But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
