I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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