i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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