gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
