bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
