Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
