it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
There are leaves in my underwear?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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