He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
