apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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