My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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