Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Randomize
