ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
