If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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