what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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