first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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