I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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