Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Someone signed my nipple.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
