Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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