Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
