theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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