oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
