I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
