I want to make a zoo with you.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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