I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
