U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
