He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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