now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
