I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
