i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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