I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
