The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
