He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
