so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
