I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I need help removing her.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
