Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
