I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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