I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
