He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
