Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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