Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
