we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
