the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize
