He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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