you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
