Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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