I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
