On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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