I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Randomize
