i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
