I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
