I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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