I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
